1.    You won’t have any trouble finding the place.

2.    You can’t miss it.  We’re right up on the corner.

3.    Traffic will open up after the tolls.

4.    Don’t worry, there’s lots of parking.

5.    The hotel is right by the club.

6.    Rooming lists and keys will be waiting for you at the front desk.

7.    The rooms will be ready soon.

8.    Yes there is a place to park your bus.

9.    Yes, there are showers at the venue.

10.    I’m on the other line.

11.    I’ll call you right back.

12.    I think I’ve got another call - I better take this one.

13.    My cell is about to go down.

14.    We’ll have flyers printed and plastered everywhere.

15.    Tour manager?  Looking for him myself.

16.    Someone will be there early to let you in.

17.    You’ll have plenty of time for a sound check.

18.    We can fix it in the mix.

19.    It’ll sound better with people in here.

20.    It’s the sub woofers.

21.    You can share backline with the other bands.

22.    My girlfriend is pro at running lights.

23.    Sounds great out front.

24.    I checked it myself.

25.    We’re doing all we can.

26.    We fixed it after sound check.

27.    I’m sure it will work.

28.    Worked the last time I used it.

29.    It was working until you got here.

30.    That buzz is normal.

31.    I haven’t worked here long, but it’ll be fine.

32.    Stage mix sounds just like the house mix.

33.    We’ll let you know.

34.    The band drinks free.

35.    Dinner provided promptly at 5 PM.

36.    We’ll definitely check you guys out tonight.

37.    You’ll headline.

38.    Sure you’ll get paid if it rains.

39.    Your tickets are at the door.

40.    Lots of industry here tonight.

41.    It’s all about people needing people, baby, people needing people.

42.    Sounds in tune to me.

43.    Of course your mic was on.

44.    It won’t affect the performance.

45.    We’ll turn down if it’s too loud.

46.    I’m with the band.

47.    I think this marks a turning point.

48.    She’ll be backstage after the show.

49.    Loved your band!

50.    I caught your last song.

51.    Oh yeah, I saw the whole show.

52.    I tried to come to your show.

53.    Here’s your split; there’ll be more once we settle everything.

54.    My agent will take care of it.

55.    I like your new direction.

56.    I really loved the band.

57.    This is one of Jimi’s old strats.

58.    Light crowd; last episode of  --insert any TV show here-- tonight.

59.    Light crowd; well, school is out.

60.    Light crowd; well, school just started.

61.    We’re going into the studio next month.

62.    I love you.

63.    Your marriage was on the rocks before you joined the band.

64.    The place was packed.

65.    It’s a late town.

66.    Well it looked crowded, but you’re just short of points.

67.    We’ll just have one beer.

68.    I think the crowd loved it.

69.    Julia Roberts, Keifer Sutherland, and that guy who looks like Ethan Hawke were here.

70.    Sure I’ll sign it.  Let me go get a sharpie.

71.    I have no idea where the hotel is, darlin’.

72.    I didn’t know she was your sister.

73.    I didn’t know she was your girlfriend.

74.    I didn’t know she was a man.

75.    Yeah, they’re all roadies.  Let ‘em in.

76.    My address book was stolen right after I met you.

77.    Believe me.

78.    I remember that song.

79.    Rock ‘n roll keeps you young and kills you early.

80.    Really good coke.

81.    My last band had a record deal but we broke up before recording the album.

82.    I’m really glad to be off the road.

83.    He left to have a solo career.

84.    Yeah, he cleaned up.  He got off the road and cleaned up.

85.    Oh have some; it’s good!

86.    You remind me of someone I used to go out with.

87.    I think we’ve seen the last of that.

88.    Yeah, see you at the after party...

89.    Well, what I heard was...(anything that follows is a great big lie)

90.    We’re all still friends.  We had musical differences.

91.    We’re right behind you.

92.    We’ll meet you there.

93.    Our crew would never do anything like that.

94.    Yes, it’s in the truck.

95.    Yeah, my friends on the rugby team will be there at 2 AM to help you load out.

96.    Yeah, we’ve got loaders.

97.    I put it in the van.

98.     I didn’t forget; I thought you were kidding.

99.     Sorry, we can’t use your guitar part.  But we’ll build a whole song around it.  I’ll start on it tonight.

100.      I’m cool, no problem.

101.      It’s all good.

102.     I'm from New Orleans.

103.     They have great breakfast.

104.     Plenty of places to eat around here.

105.     She asked me to.

106.     I was just trying to be nice.

107.      We're a family. 

 

•    Your house keys: Once you leave home, put your keys in a zipper pocket that you rarely open. It will be very important to you weeks from now, standing on your doorstep at 6 AM that you know where your house keys are.

•    Stage wear: Take off your watch and your laminate and your sticky pass before walking onstage. These bind you to earthly things like time and space.

•    Performance: Play what matters to you and like it may be the last notes you’ll ever play.

•    Lifestyle: It’s a myth that if you clean up your life you’ll have nothing left to write or play.

•    Sound check: “5K (kilohertz) is the pain band, the pain frequency. 5K feedback will make you want to punch someone hard and repeatedly.” –Martin Stebbing, Sound engineer interview regarding the ‘K’ language.

•    Getting shocked by your microphone:  We call it “getting shocked,” but it’s electrocution by another kinder name.

•    Settling:  The top two rules of getting paid: “First, have somebody sober settle. Second, never leave without getting paid.” – Advice from a Chris Von Thies, talent buyer, Direct Events, Austin, Texas

•    The long drives:  If a drive day is scheduled you might include an adventure to break the long drive up a bit. Since you’ve got plenty of time, you can stop and do something rather than lie comatose in the front lounge or your bunk.

•    It’s the little things: You will come to appreciate good shower pressure. Standing under an inadequate stream of lukewarm water will be more disappointing than you ever thought possible.

•    Music Biz:  One night you’ll turn on the TV in some average hotel you’re staying in and the Grammys will be on. You wonder how that can be the music business and this traveling around in the van, putting on a rock show in a new city every night can be the music business, too.

•    Hotel dwelling: Before leaving your hotel room memorize or write down your room number. When you return hours later you will appear slightly insane as you stare at the twelve buttons in the elevator unable to push your floor number.

•    Getting along: The band has discovered and informed me that if I apply for a job at the gentlemen’s club next to the hotel they’ll all get in for free. – Tour journal entry

•    Being on time: “Bus call is 8:00 AM tomorrow. If you plan to be late, bus call is 7:00 AM. If you plan to be only a little late, 7:30.” – Ben Richardson, tour manager

•    Routing: “You know what I say: the longest distance between two points is a short cut.” – Heinz Geissler, quote of the day

Road stories, tips, remedies, quotes of the day.